


The Ethical Succubus: Polyamory and the World of Lost Girl

by Arbryna



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: Essays, Gen, Meta, Other, Polyamory, non-fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arbryna/pseuds/Arbryna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"When you mate for life, and your life is measured in centuries, you figure out ways to make it work."</i> ~ Olivia, 1x04 "Faetal Attraction"</p><p>An exploration of polyamory as it pertains to everyone's favorite succubus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ethical Succubus: Polyamory and the World of Lost Girl

**Introduction**

 

Fantasy worlds, as their name suggests, offer us the fantastical: magical powers, mythical creatures, immortality, supernatural realms. They show us stories full of adventure and excitement; anyone can be a hero, and the stakes are almost always life-or-death. In such places, at least for the heroes we meet most often, the things most people take for granted in the real world—work, bills, marriage, children—often take a back seat to the more primary concerns of survival and, frequently, saving the world. In a world like this, there is a strong potential for monogamy to be viewed differently than it often is in reality. It becomes less about financial security, creating a stable home for a family, or finding someone to grow old with—indeed, the possibility of growing old at all is often a distant dream. Romantic bonds are often intense, with a sense of urgency that comes from the ever-present threat of death.

One could easily infer from this that monogamy becomes even more crucial. When your time together may be as short as days, the desire to give everything to one another and no one else is almost instinctual—but life is seldom that simple, even in the real world. What happens when our hero finds her/himself developing romantic or sexual feelings for more than one person at a time? More often than not, it results in a messy love triangle, rife with jealousy and bitter feelings. Time that could—and should—be cherished is spent agonizing over the inevitable choice—but what if it wasn't inevitable? What if our hero was allowed to explore both relationships, to appreciate the vast realm of experience with each lover, without guilt or recrimination?

The matter becomes more complex when you factor in the concept of immortality. While characters are still presented with life-or-death battles on a regular basis, they are generally safe from having to consider ever dying of old age. Most often, immortal characters have other powers at their disposal as well, making their chance of surviving those battles more promising. The concept of a lifetime commitment, then, takes on a far different meaning. In the real world, a marriage that doesn't end in divorce will typically last 40-60 years, depending on age of marriage and life expectancy. In a fantasy world without immortality, that number could easily be cut in half or even quartered, considering the extraordinary dangers inherent in the environment. When immortal characters are involved, however, as in Lost Girl, a marriage could last centuries, or even millenia. "Til death do us part" becomes a much more daunting prospect.

For Bo, monogamy is complicated further by the nature of her existence. As a succubus, Bo requires the sexual energy of others to live, which means that any monogamous romantic partner she has not only carries the responsibility of providing anything that is normally expected in a romantic relationship—love, companionship, sex—but also serves as her sole source of nourishment. In this situation, monogamy appears to be an unrealistic goal at best, and a dangerous one at worst. For Bo to be satisfied as both a woman and as a succubus, a polyamorous relationship is the healthiest, most realistic option.

 

* * *

**Defining Parameters**

 

The definition of polyamory varies significantly depending on who you ask; there are some who would say it only applies to non-monogamous romantic relationships—or, situations where one or more participants in the relationship are pursuing romantic and emotional connections with more than one person—and that relationships that are sexually open but romantically exclusive don't qualify. For the purposes of this essay, I'll be using the broadest possible definition of the term (that happens to also be my own interpretation of it): polyamory is the practice of openly having more than one romantic or sexual relationship at a time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

We've seen a few examples of polyamorous relationships on Lost Girl already, from the ill-fated fae couple in 1x04 that regularly invites other fae into their bed to the indulgent human swingers' party in 1x12. Bo herself has engaged in more than one non-exclusive sexual relationship, first with Dyson in the beginning of season one and then again with Ryan in the later episodes of season two. The former failed when the emotional bond became strong enough that a purely sexual relationship was no longer feasible, while the latter ultimately ended because the emotional bond just wasn't there.

The most notable example of polyamory on the show, however, at least in the context of Bo's needs and desires, is the process begun in 3x04, "Fae-de to Black". In this episode, Bo's stubborn insistence on remaining monogamous to Lauren ends up threatening her life, as she can't sustain herself on a single human lover even with regular feeding. The chi, or sexual energy, Bo acquires from her mid-episode tryst with Lauren isn't enough to heal the bruise in her side, and ultimately the bruise proves to be an indicator of potentially fatal internal bleeding. Bo ends up having sex with Dyson to replenish her energy and save her life, but at the price of intense guilt and anguish over having been unfaithful to Lauren.

The conversation between Bo and Lauren at the end of this episode begins the process of negotiating boundaries, or defining parameters for removing the sexual exclusivity from their relationship. Lauren voices the fact that both of them have been trying to ignore—that Bo is a succubus, and a human lover is not enough to sustain her—and accepts the inevitable conclusion: Bo has to start feeding off of (i.e. having sex with) other people. It's understood as a purely sexual arrangement, with only one ground rule in the beginning—no Dyson—although ultimately Lauren also decides to add that she doesn't want to be involved in the choosing of Bo's partners.

Unfortunately, Bo's first foray into sleeping with someone other than Lauren ends badly—with her partner ending up dead as a victim of the season's main villain—and with the main plots of the season heating up, it's also the last time we see Bo exploring this new facet of her relationship with Lauren. Any feeding we see Bo engaging in between 3x06 and 3x10, when Lauren breaks up with her, is done with nothing beyond an initial kiss. Because of this, it's hard to say whether the relationship would ultimately have worked out with the parameters they set. However, given that during the breakup, Lauren cites the belief that she'll always be asking for more than Bo can give, one can infer that the issue would have needed further attention for their relationship to thrive.

 

* * *

 

**Sex and the Succubus: The Mechanics of Feeding**

  

Since succubi are mythical creatures, there's little known about the science of how they feed. The show has provided information on an as-needed basis, so much of what goes into the viewers' understanding of the process is speculation based on what information we've been presented with. Bo has shown the ability to "snack", or take small amounts of a person's chi through a simple kiss, but a full feed is understood to require a full-blown sexual encounter. She has also stated that masturbation merely makes her hungrier, which fits with what we know of her: she feeds off of the sexual energy of others, and gains nothing from generating sexual energy on her own. 

What this means for Bo in terms of relationships is that she needs her partner to be able to generate enough chi during an encounter to sustain her until her next, much like humans need to eat enough food to last them until their next meal. If Bo doesn't feed enough, she becomes weak and slower to heal, and ultimately will either die or become so hungry that she will reach for whomever is closest, with no regard for leaving them alive. 

With that in mind, one might think the answer would be for Bo simply to find a fae lover who generates enough energy to sustain her. The problem with that assertion is that Bo has tried that, with Dyson in season one. While she managed to keep adequately fed, Dyson had trouble keeping his own energy level up, which eventually became apparent enough for his partner at work to comment on it. If Bo can't maintain a long-term sexually exclusive relationship without depleting her lover to the point of persistent fatigue, it becomes more or less necessary for her to seek out, at the very least, multiple sexual partners.

  

* * *

 

**Love and Other Fae-ry Tales**

 

Of course, polyamory is not always or entirely about sex. While it may be possible for Bo to have a satisfying relationship that is monogamous in every way but sexual, there are also compelling arguments for her pursuing emotional intimacy with more than one partner as well. The most basic of these arguments is the existence of something that has come to be known by researchers as NRE, or "New Relationship Energy". NRE is a term coined by Zhahai Stewart in the mid-1980's to describe the surge of excitement and attraction that accompanies the beginning stages of an intimate relationship. It's the state of mind that makes us see the object of our desire as perfect and overlook their flaws, that stirs those butterflies in our stomachs when we think of them and fuels the sexual marathons that so often accompany a new relationship. It fades with time, and in successful relationships is replaced by calmer, more sustainable sources of energy. ([x](http://aphroweb.net/articles/nre.htm))

In terms of Bo and her abilities, NRE is most likely a large factor in her "succubus charm", or her ability to sway people's feelings for her with a touch. There's a reason that Bo's "victims" fall in love with her—temporary as the feeling may be—rather than simply becoming so sexually aroused that they'll do anything she asks. It seems logical to deduce that that reason is to produce NRE in the recipient of her power, to strengthen and enhance the sexual energy she will then feed off of, thus generating a more satisfying and sustaining meal.

Of course, it could be argued that since Bo can create that feeling in people without actually going through the beginning process of a relationship, there's no need for her to pursue multiple romantic connections. The answer to that lies in less certain territory. First of all, it's a safe assumption that using her charm power requires Bo to expend energy of her own, making the feed less energy-efficient. Second, the use of that power shades any experience that follows it with an aspect of artificiality; regardless of whether her intended partner was attracted to her in the first place, using her power removes the element of choice. As someone who fiercely values the concepts of freedom and choice, Bo is unlikely to be comfortable relying on her charm power to provide regular sustenance.

Bo's choice then, if she intends to continue being emotionally monogamous, is to either have less satisfying encounters without the use of her power or to engage in behavior she finds at best morally ambiguous. On the other hand, if she seeks out NRE in its naturally occurring state by pursuing romantic connections with multiple people, she gets a more fulfilling feed as well as enjoying the experience of NRE in herself. Then, if multiple relationships last beyond the point of the NRE fading, she still has more than one source of sustenance with the added bonus of a more emotionally satisfying sexual encounter. 

 

* * *

**Bumps in the Road**

 

It's easy to say, of course, that the answer is for Bo to be completely polyamorous and let that be the end of it. However, Bo's life, as anyone else's, is not quite that simple. Polyamory doesn't often come naturally at first, especially to those growing up in contemporary society. Bo in particular was raised in a very small town, surrounded by narrow-minded individuals. She no doubt was taught to wait for marriage before having sex, and raised with the expectation that she would eventually marry a nice man and have a traditional family of her own. Until her powers manifested, she likely couldn't imagine her life not following that path. Then with the death of her first sexual partner, those expectations fell apart. Unaware of what she did, how it happened, or what any of it meant, the hope of any sort of romantic love was shattered along with any other dreams she may have had for her future. 

After ten years of running—and racking up a sizable body count—falling in love was probably the last thing Bo expected. The discovery of the fae's existence, and the knowledge that she could learn to control her powers, opened up doors she'd thought were destined to remain closed. At almost thirty years of age, Bo is as new to the concept of romantic relationships as she was as an adolescent, which means she has a lot to learn about the skills required to make relationships work. However, she's already shown an inclination toward honest and open communication, which is one of the key parts of participating in a polyamorous relationship (or any relationship). What she needs to overcome in herself is the expectations that were ingrained in her from childhood; such as the idea that monogamy is the only legitimate form for a relationship to take, and that any failure to adhere to a monogamous relationship model is inherently hurtful to herself and her partner.

One of the biggest misconceptions about love is that it is a finite commodity—you only have so much, and what you give to one person is then not available to give to another. While this may be true for some beings in the Lost Girl universe—like Dyson, who suffered a complete loss of his capacity to love when he gave up his love for Bo—it's not necessarily a universal truth, even within the context of the show. Bo was shown to have intense romantic feelings concurrently for both Lauren and Dyson, and it's unlikely that Lauren stopped loving Nadia when she fell in love with Bo. While the concept of choice was strongly emphasized in both cases—Bo having to choose between Lauren and Dyson, Lauren automatically resuming her role as Nadia's faithful lover when she awoke—it's clear that there are characters in this universe who indeed have the capacity to love more than one person at the same time.

It's that misconception that's one half of the driving force behind most occurrences of jealousy in relationships. The other half is the idea of possession—that letting someone else "play with your toys", as it were, will somehow devalue them. This was demonstrated wonderfully in episode 1x12, "(Dis)Members Only", when Dyson expressed discomfort with the idea of Bo seducing the country club president for information and later told Bo in no uncertain terms that he could not stand the idea of her being with someone else. For Bo to be successful in pursuing any romantic relationship, let alone multiple relationships at once, she will need to be diligent in addressing jealousy as it arises, and her partners will need to be willing to work on it with her. 

 

* * *

 

**Conclusion**

 

As a creature who thrives on sex, Bo's capacity for physical attraction is naturally heightened as an evolutionary necessity. As a woman, however, she has shown an incredible capacity for love. Bo falls in love deeply and quickly, and has demonstrated an almost saint-like capability to forgive. When it comes to relationships, Bo has always been willing to sacrifice and to compromise, which at times has seemed to border on the unfair—she's always eager to give more, to do more, to keep her lover happy. While this is a tendency that needs to be watched closely to ensure she doesn't shortchange herself, it also means she would be well-suited to making a polyamorous relationship work. 

In the end, this isn't about what Bo can do. She's proved that she can deny her nature and be monogamous, sometimes at the risk of her physical safety and wellbeing. She very likely could be content in a monogamous relationship, so long as she occasionally was allowed to feed on others to keep her strength up, but what this is about, ultimately, is the lifestyle that will make Bo the happiest and most fulfilled. After all, if she's going to live for centuries, why not get the most out of it?

**Author's Note:**

> For further reading on polyamory in its many forms, I highly recommend [The Ethical Slut](http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380582294&sr=8-1&keywords=the+ethical+slut) by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.


End file.
